I feel like all I do is chronicle the suck that has come into my life. I'm like a virtual Dyson, sucking the joy out of people's lives, one word at a time.
While F does not have cancer, there is still a mass where it shouldn't be. His hormone levels are consistent with primary testicular failure. The prognosis for producing any sperm is pretty much zero. Hormone replacement isn't really an option because it will basically shut down any hormone production that is already going on. Surgery is not an option. So, we're stuck. We're here in the fun, fun world of male factor infertility, female inability to carry pregnancy and what's left? No surrogacy. F has not made peace with it yet. He'll get there, I'm already researching so I can figure out next steps.
S had her first dental visit yesterday morning. There was no need for me to schedule it early so she could get back to school, she felt so crappy that she stayed home all day. We watched TV, went to my work, hung out, got stuff done etc. She now has a beautiful shiny silver molar and two fillings that are indistinguishable from her other teeth. She was NOT a happy camper.
I have a root canal in an hour. Joy. Then a therapist appointment later today for me and S. That is the most positive thing I can think of. Oh, and no other doctor appointments for the week. Wooo.
Showing posts with label surrogacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrogacy. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Monday, monday
Whew, am I glad the break is over. I don't think I could handle much more vacation time. Back to normal for all of us this week.
We did end up going to the New Year's Eve party. I'm glad we did. Our GS was of course very gracious and smart and must have given everyone a pre party talk about what should not be talked about. No one brought it up, no one acted weird, much fun was had and then the next morning off to the in laws for obligatory visit if we're in town.
Now we're home, laundry is done, food is shopped for, kitchen is clean, kid is at school, hubby at work. Ahhhhh that 20 minutes of bliss until I realize all the other things I have to do.
I'm closing my business until the CPSC gets it's act together and fixes the CPSIA. It's a bummer, but I don't see any other way I can legally be in business right now. All of our products are already produced, packaged and ready to go so I'm not really keen on sending off one of each print to get ruined in testing that we can't afford anyway. So, no more business for me, at least for 2009.
Hubby has an appointment with our GP this morning to get a scrip for another semen analysis and blood work. Hopefully the insurance will cover it. If not, we'll just keep making payments.
Now, off to help out in the classroom for a bit.
We did end up going to the New Year's Eve party. I'm glad we did. Our GS was of course very gracious and smart and must have given everyone a pre party talk about what should not be talked about. No one brought it up, no one acted weird, much fun was had and then the next morning off to the in laws for obligatory visit if we're in town.
Now we're home, laundry is done, food is shopped for, kitchen is clean, kid is at school, hubby at work. Ahhhhh that 20 minutes of bliss until I realize all the other things I have to do.
I'm closing my business until the CPSC gets it's act together and fixes the CPSIA. It's a bummer, but I don't see any other way I can legally be in business right now. All of our products are already produced, packaged and ready to go so I'm not really keen on sending off one of each print to get ruined in testing that we can't afford anyway. So, no more business for me, at least for 2009.
Hubby has an appointment with our GP this morning to get a scrip for another semen analysis and blood work. Hopefully the insurance will cover it. If not, we'll just keep making payments.
Now, off to help out in the classroom for a bit.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,,
Today I turned 34. It will be eleven more years until the digits in my age are consecutive. I actually went a good part of the last year thinking I was already 34, so I find it kind of funny that my mom and I had to verify age last night. Mom came up to watch Sarah so I could work yesterday and hang out for my birthday. She and Sarah made me bagels and coffee for breakfast, super yummy.
We dropped off a potluck lunch item at Frank's work for their end of year party and then hit the mall. I have been to a mall approximately 4 times this whole year, so it was a somewhat overwhelming experience. I didn't see the massive sales everyone has been talking about, just the regular after holiday stuff. I did buy two new pairs of shoes to celebrate my new mid thirties persona. Josef Siebel's and Ecco's. I'm officially an old european man. But my tootsies are so comfy.
No news on the surrogacy front for now, waiting and waiting for appointments and approvals and all that crap. I'm tempted to just sign up with an adoption agency to start the process, but know it's premature.
Short note about the holidays:
MIL mentioned she'd like twelve grandkids. I said, "oh you're 25% there". Her answer, who's the third, I only have two. (Frank's sis has two kids, we have Sarah). Niiiiiiiiice one grandma.
One of the aforementioned two kids saying to me, "you no have babies", "I had Sarah, she was a baby a long time ago." "No, you no have babies any more cause you broken." :stunned silence that she had been told something about any of this: "No, no I won't kiddo."
I drank a large amount of rum in the past two weeks. nuff said.
We dropped off a potluck lunch item at Frank's work for their end of year party and then hit the mall. I have been to a mall approximately 4 times this whole year, so it was a somewhat overwhelming experience. I didn't see the massive sales everyone has been talking about, just the regular after holiday stuff. I did buy two new pairs of shoes to celebrate my new mid thirties persona. Josef Siebel's and Ecco's. I'm officially an old european man. But my tootsies are so comfy.
No news on the surrogacy front for now, waiting and waiting for appointments and approvals and all that crap. I'm tempted to just sign up with an adoption agency to start the process, but know it's premature.
Short note about the holidays:
MIL mentioned she'd like twelve grandkids. I said, "oh you're 25% there". Her answer, who's the third, I only have two. (Frank's sis has two kids, we have Sarah). Niiiiiiiiice one grandma.
One of the aforementioned two kids saying to me, "you no have babies", "I had Sarah, she was a baby a long time ago." "No, you no have babies any more cause you broken." :stunned silence that she had been told something about any of this: "No, no I won't kiddo."
I drank a large amount of rum in the past two weeks. nuff said.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Not just a river in Egypt
So, we're clearly in denial over here. Not talking about it, not doing anything. F has an appointment on Tuesday to start figuring out what's going on. And there weren't exactly zero. There was one fragment. That means he must make some. Maybe. I've got my fingers crossed for a correctable blockage. And lots of narcotics for him.
Anyways, back to the denial I was talking about. Did you know if you go into the grocery store and buy:
Velveeta
Maxi pads
Swedish fish
Green fruit roll ups
Marshmallows
three whack em chocolate oranges
broccoli
garlic
cake flour
poppyseeds (originally typed as poopyseeds, har har)
The checkers don't even look at you weird.
I should have thrown some condoms in there for good measure. Oh, I slay me.
Sarah's birthday is tomorrow. She has requested lemon bars for at school and our neighbor's famous mac n cheese for dinner. Turns out our chef neighbor makes mac n cheese with velveeta. Here I was expecting a baked blue cheese gourmet treat and it's fakey fakey. I'm making candy sushi with the marshmallows, swedish fish and fruit rollups. And a lemon poppyseed cake for her party on Saturday. And, since I stopped the pill my period is here for the foreseeable future.
But hey, this marks 7 years since I went into heart failure, and I'm still here kicking and screaming.
Anyways, back to the denial I was talking about. Did you know if you go into the grocery store and buy:
Velveeta
Maxi pads
Swedish fish
Green fruit roll ups
Marshmallows
three whack em chocolate oranges
broccoli
garlic
cake flour
poppyseeds (originally typed as poopyseeds, har har)
The checkers don't even look at you weird.
I should have thrown some condoms in there for good measure. Oh, I slay me.
Sarah's birthday is tomorrow. She has requested lemon bars for at school and our neighbor's famous mac n cheese for dinner. Turns out our chef neighbor makes mac n cheese with velveeta. Here I was expecting a baked blue cheese gourmet treat and it's fakey fakey. I'm making candy sushi with the marshmallows, swedish fish and fruit rollups. And a lemon poppyseed cake for her party on Saturday. And, since I stopped the pill my period is here for the foreseeable future.
But hey, this marks 7 years since I went into heart failure, and I'm still here kicking and screaming.
Friday, December 5, 2008
The End
We got a call from the RE that there were no sperm in the sample. None.
Now our main focus is to make sure Frank is healthy and regroup.
It was so hard to tell him I know exactly how he feels. But I do unfortunately.
Now our main focus is to make sure Frank is healthy and regroup.
It was so hard to tell him I know exactly how he feels. But I do unfortunately.
On our way
To the psychologist today. Doing our psych screening at 11:30. Now, how to seem normal and not crazy? That's gonna be tough.
But there's a bonus since we're going to San Rafael, we'll stop for cubano sandwiches for lunch at Sol Food. MMMMM. Maybe even stop at Muffin Mania and bring some home to Sarah.
I'm nervous, not because I think we won't pass, but because this person has the power to approve or disapprove of us and that is scary to me. I don't do well with allowing other people to make choices in my life and this feels very much like that. While I know she is only doing an evaluation and making recommendations, it still feels like she can really upset our rickety ship of dreams here.
When does this ever feel normal? Will I ever feel normal again, or is there always going to be some part that feels broken, weird, abnormal?
But there's a bonus since we're going to San Rafael, we'll stop for cubano sandwiches for lunch at Sol Food. MMMMM. Maybe even stop at Muffin Mania and bring some home to Sarah.
I'm nervous, not because I think we won't pass, but because this person has the power to approve or disapprove of us and that is scary to me. I don't do well with allowing other people to make choices in my life and this feels very much like that. While I know she is only doing an evaluation and making recommendations, it still feels like she can really upset our rickety ship of dreams here.
When does this ever feel normal? Will I ever feel normal again, or is there always going to be some part that feels broken, weird, abnormal?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
And another one down
Frank did his testing and samples today. He said it was much more difficult than he thought it would be and weird. He also said the porn was all really old.
I am still on birth control pills till December 11, then off for five days, then on again December 16. Then on pills with the GC for a bit, then LUPRON.
I have another appointment on the 17th for med training and possibly some of the FDA donor stuff.
We go for our psych testing tomorrow. GC and hubby go on the 13th. Then the legal contracts can be finalized and we're good to go for meds.
They are ordering our meds before we sign final contracts because we're cutting time so close. If this first try doesn't work we'd like the chance to do another transfer quickly. Since our GC has a very set timeline she wants to work with, we're really moving fast.
But hey, We'll know in 6 weeks if we're preggo.
I am still on birth control pills till December 11, then off for five days, then on again December 16. Then on pills with the GC for a bit, then LUPRON.
I have another appointment on the 17th for med training and possibly some of the FDA donor stuff.
We go for our psych testing tomorrow. GC and hubby go on the 13th. Then the legal contracts can be finalized and we're good to go for meds.
They are ordering our meds before we sign final contracts because we're cutting time so close. If this first try doesn't work we'd like the chance to do another transfer quickly. Since our GC has a very set timeline she wants to work with, we're really moving fast.
But hey, We'll know in 6 weeks if we're preggo.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Legal
The surrogate was approved by our RE. Now we've just filled out the legal questionnaire and are waiting for the contracts. Then psych later this week. And we're good to go.
I've got goosebumps.
I've got goosebumps.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Real vs. fake vs. semi real?
What is the difference between parenting a biological child, a biological child via surrogacy, an adopted or fostered child? (even leaving out the constructs of race, class and how they will affect opinions)
What terminology is correct to identify the differences between these children? When does a person take offense at what's said, do they understand the underlying meaning?
I was talking with a friend regarding my in laws acceptance of surrogacy and how it would hinge on their knowledge about surrogacy. I felt that we should have been educating them about gestational surrogacy for a while before letting them know it was our choice. That way they would understand the science, see the benefits and come to accept our decision over time, instead of having a lot of information thrown at them quickly. I think if they understand the reasoning about why we're trying for this (a bio child is important to Frank, most likely BECAUSE of them) they would feel respected and honored. Instead they feel sad, let down and disappointed about the situation.
Why are we choosing gestational surrogacy? Why go through these hoops instead of adopting a waiting child? Number one reason, is that Frank wants a bio child. As a first generation child of immigrants family and family ties are paramount. Family traits and resemblances are legend in his family. He is much more modern than his parents, but still more traditional than I am. Number two reason is his parents. I feel my in laws won't accept a non biological child in the same way they would accept a bio child. Number three, it would be wonderful for Sarah to have a biological sibling.
I see a difference in how they interact with Sarah contrasted to their other grandchildren. I know that part of that is they haven't seen Sarah grow from a baby to a child. They aren't who I call if I need a babysitter or support or help. I know my distance from them leads to some of their distance from us. And for the most part, I'm okay with it. But I think a bio child or a non bio child, hell any way we put it, having another child is going to open up a can of worms with them.
My MIL has already mentioned that if our surrogate gets pregnant she wants to come talk to the baby all the time. Talk about boundary issues!! Umm, no you can't go visit our surrogate to talk to her belly. Not cool. We know you would be excited, but I wouldn't let you talk to my belly as that would cross my comfort boundary, so of course it wouldn't be something that is okay for our surrogate.
As a long time child care provider I can attest to the fact that your love for any child grows. Whether the child is biologically related to you or not, being responsible for that child, being that child's parent and caregiver is what matters. The first time I saw Sarah my heart wasn't overcome with adoration. I thought she looked kind of odd and was just so thankful that the delivery was over. But my love for her grew and steadily became this all encompassing force which I think would happen with any child. I know that adopting brings it's own challenges, but accepting a child into our lives seems like something we could do if surrogacy doesn't work out.
But then we have the fact that adoption is our third choice. Pregnancy was obviously number one, surrogacy number two and adoption three. What message does that send to a possible child? Yes, we love you but we tried all these other things before we found you. Since we couldn't do that, having you was "good enough". What load for that kid to carry, whether it's true or not, the underlying thought of being the third choice could be devatstating. How would we handle that to make sure an adopted child would feel treasured and cherished?
How would my in laws handle that? What type of relationship would they have?
Will I stop stressing over this if the surrogacy works?
What terminology is correct to identify the differences between these children? When does a person take offense at what's said, do they understand the underlying meaning?
I was talking with a friend regarding my in laws acceptance of surrogacy and how it would hinge on their knowledge about surrogacy. I felt that we should have been educating them about gestational surrogacy for a while before letting them know it was our choice. That way they would understand the science, see the benefits and come to accept our decision over time, instead of having a lot of information thrown at them quickly. I think if they understand the reasoning about why we're trying for this (a bio child is important to Frank, most likely BECAUSE of them) they would feel respected and honored. Instead they feel sad, let down and disappointed about the situation.
Why are we choosing gestational surrogacy? Why go through these hoops instead of adopting a waiting child? Number one reason, is that Frank wants a bio child. As a first generation child of immigrants family and family ties are paramount. Family traits and resemblances are legend in his family. He is much more modern than his parents, but still more traditional than I am. Number two reason is his parents. I feel my in laws won't accept a non biological child in the same way they would accept a bio child. Number three, it would be wonderful for Sarah to have a biological sibling.
I see a difference in how they interact with Sarah contrasted to their other grandchildren. I know that part of that is they haven't seen Sarah grow from a baby to a child. They aren't who I call if I need a babysitter or support or help. I know my distance from them leads to some of their distance from us. And for the most part, I'm okay with it. But I think a bio child or a non bio child, hell any way we put it, having another child is going to open up a can of worms with them.
My MIL has already mentioned that if our surrogate gets pregnant she wants to come talk to the baby all the time. Talk about boundary issues!! Umm, no you can't go visit our surrogate to talk to her belly. Not cool. We know you would be excited, but I wouldn't let you talk to my belly as that would cross my comfort boundary, so of course it wouldn't be something that is okay for our surrogate.
As a long time child care provider I can attest to the fact that your love for any child grows. Whether the child is biologically related to you or not, being responsible for that child, being that child's parent and caregiver is what matters. The first time I saw Sarah my heart wasn't overcome with adoration. I thought she looked kind of odd and was just so thankful that the delivery was over. But my love for her grew and steadily became this all encompassing force which I think would happen with any child. I know that adopting brings it's own challenges, but accepting a child into our lives seems like something we could do if surrogacy doesn't work out.
But then we have the fact that adoption is our third choice. Pregnancy was obviously number one, surrogacy number two and adoption three. What message does that send to a possible child? Yes, we love you but we tried all these other things before we found you. Since we couldn't do that, having you was "good enough". What load for that kid to carry, whether it's true or not, the underlying thought of being the third choice could be devatstating. How would we handle that to make sure an adopted child would feel treasured and cherished?
How would my in laws handle that? What type of relationship would they have?
Will I stop stressing over this if the surrogacy works?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Cycling
So it begins. I had my day 3 FSH levels checked this week. Our gestational carrier will get her pretesting done next week. I think. It's all tied to cycle times etc.
I have normal FSH levels. Which is good. At least one part of me isn't screwed up.
If all goes according to plan and there are no screwups we will transfer between Jan 15 and Feb 15 2009. It sounds like a long wait, but it's less than 60 days.
I have a lawyer set up for the contracts, therapist set up for the testing and financing somewhat shakily arranged. I have picked the Canadian pharmacy we'll use for some meds along with the meds from our RE. I have researched induced lactation and set up my plan for meds once we get a positive pregnancy test. My OB is okay with prescribing the domperidone, even though we'll have to get it from Canada. She just wants to read about the Newman Goldfarb protocol before I start. The RE has been warned repeatedly about my heart conditions and the nurses have made large notes for my file about it.
I have started birth control pills to keep me from ovulating till we do the stims. What irony is it that I'm on the pill the month after having my tubes tied?
Frank's parents were told about all this last week. There's a whole post about that somewhere, but I doubt I'll ever write it. Needless to say, they are very disappointed.
Our GC is being very, very open about the surrogacy. She works at the same place my stepmom works, so my stepmom found out that we were proceeding before I was able to call and tell her. No big deal, but it does reinforce what a small town it is down there and how glad I am to have moved.
What haven't I done? Started believing this will actually work. Planned for how we will proceed if it doesn't work.
I foresee a very interesting holiday season.
I have normal FSH levels. Which is good. At least one part of me isn't screwed up.
If all goes according to plan and there are no screwups we will transfer between Jan 15 and Feb 15 2009. It sounds like a long wait, but it's less than 60 days.
I have a lawyer set up for the contracts, therapist set up for the testing and financing somewhat shakily arranged. I have picked the Canadian pharmacy we'll use for some meds along with the meds from our RE. I have researched induced lactation and set up my plan for meds once we get a positive pregnancy test. My OB is okay with prescribing the domperidone, even though we'll have to get it from Canada. She just wants to read about the Newman Goldfarb protocol before I start. The RE has been warned repeatedly about my heart conditions and the nurses have made large notes for my file about it.
I have started birth control pills to keep me from ovulating till we do the stims. What irony is it that I'm on the pill the month after having my tubes tied?
Frank's parents were told about all this last week. There's a whole post about that somewhere, but I doubt I'll ever write it. Needless to say, they are very disappointed.
Our GC is being very, very open about the surrogacy. She works at the same place my stepmom works, so my stepmom found out that we were proceeding before I was able to call and tell her. No big deal, but it does reinforce what a small town it is down there and how glad I am to have moved.
What haven't I done? Started believing this will actually work. Planned for how we will proceed if it doesn't work.
I foresee a very interesting holiday season.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I'm back
Did you miss me?
Life kind of got in the way of any journaling there for a while.
We tentatively have a gestational surrogate. Shhhhh. Don't jinx it.
We wouldn't be starting a cycle till July of 2009 however. That seems so far away. But if the first cycle takes then we would have a spring 2010 baby.
IF we can afford it.
IF the surrogate says yes still.
IF it works.
IF I can handle the stimulation drugs.
So many ifs.
I'm getting my tubes tied. I don't want birth control and fear of pregnancy to ruin my life. So, sometime before the holidays I'll get it done. I've already got the call in to my OB/GYN.
I took Sarah to the doctor today. Her teacher had commented to me how tired she always seems in class. I've noticed the same thing, that she is just really, really tired during the day. She still sleeps about 11 hours a night. So we saw good old Dr. Brooks today and voila, her iron levels are at 9.6. Normal is over 11.5. Unfortunately she also has beta thalasemia so iron pills aren't likely to increase her levels. We can supplement to make sure she has the necessary building blocks to raise her iron levels, but I don't know that it will work. I think it's because my iron levels don't seem to correlate to when I have high iron/low iron diet or supplementation. Thalasemia sucks. Well, thal major would suck worse than thal minor. Given her father and my history of heart issues, the doc also agreed to my request for an echocardiogram.
The cardiologist he referred her to was mine. I'm not sure if I want this group to do her echo or if I'll try and change it to Children's Hospital Oakland. I'm glad we'll have a baseline echo to track changes and make sure everything is all right.
Work is iffy. No one seems to be buying in this economy. I got back from the ABC Show in Vegas and nada. The call backs and emails I was doing did a bit, but not much. Not very much follow through. Orders kind of sucked. And after the economic news this week there's no way I can start calling and pressuring stores, "Hey buy my stuff!!"
I'm going to try and find a part time job for while Sarah is at school. If I can just make enough to pay for the surrogacy, that takes alot of pressure off of Frank. It's not fair for him to bear the brunt of all this and the business just isn't making enough to pull in profit.
Life kind of got in the way of any journaling there for a while.
We tentatively have a gestational surrogate. Shhhhh. Don't jinx it.
We wouldn't be starting a cycle till July of 2009 however. That seems so far away. But if the first cycle takes then we would have a spring 2010 baby.
IF we can afford it.
IF the surrogate says yes still.
IF it works.
IF I can handle the stimulation drugs.
So many ifs.
I'm getting my tubes tied. I don't want birth control and fear of pregnancy to ruin my life. So, sometime before the holidays I'll get it done. I've already got the call in to my OB/GYN.
I took Sarah to the doctor today. Her teacher had commented to me how tired she always seems in class. I've noticed the same thing, that she is just really, really tired during the day. She still sleeps about 11 hours a night. So we saw good old Dr. Brooks today and voila, her iron levels are at 9.6. Normal is over 11.5. Unfortunately she also has beta thalasemia so iron pills aren't likely to increase her levels. We can supplement to make sure she has the necessary building blocks to raise her iron levels, but I don't know that it will work. I think it's because my iron levels don't seem to correlate to when I have high iron/low iron diet or supplementation. Thalasemia sucks. Well, thal major would suck worse than thal minor. Given her father and my history of heart issues, the doc also agreed to my request for an echocardiogram.
The cardiologist he referred her to was mine. I'm not sure if I want this group to do her echo or if I'll try and change it to Children's Hospital Oakland. I'm glad we'll have a baseline echo to track changes and make sure everything is all right.
Work is iffy. No one seems to be buying in this economy. I got back from the ABC Show in Vegas and nada. The call backs and emails I was doing did a bit, but not much. Not very much follow through. Orders kind of sucked. And after the economic news this week there's no way I can start calling and pressuring stores, "Hey buy my stuff!!"
I'm going to try and find a part time job for while Sarah is at school. If I can just make enough to pay for the surrogacy, that takes alot of pressure off of Frank. It's not fair for him to bear the brunt of all this and the business just isn't making enough to pull in profit.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Reproductive Endocrinologist
We had an early morning appointment with the RE today. For those not in the know, a reproductive endocrinologist (say that five times fast) is the person who works with infertile (or just broken people) couples to achieve a pregnancy via IVF. OK, so that was simplified, but hell, whatever works you know. The RE, Dr. H was very kind. The office is kind. The staff is kind. It is all you could want from a place that will take a lot of your money and hopefully get you a baby in the end.
We will be doing IVF with ICSI with a GC. What that means is that we will do a stimulation of my system to harvest enough follicles with ova in them to inseminate them via intra cellular sperm injection to create embryos. Those embryos will be grown to 3-5 days age at which point 1-2 will be transferred to a gestational carrier. Hopefully 1 or 2 will implant into her uterus and a baby or two will result. The chance of twins is between 30 and 50%.
The cost is between $20,000 and $70,000. If we can find a GC who will do this out of the kindness of her heart it will be towards the lower end. If not, well there's no way we can afford 70K.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Delivery Stalled
I know I promised the delivery tale. But, I didn't realize how much emotional energy it would take to type it up. I will work on it and hopefully have it up by next week.
In other news, Frank and I have a consultation appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist tomorrow morning at 7:45 sharp. Sarah's have a sleepover with a buddy so we can get out of here bright and early.
So tomorrow we'll begin our first step to surrogacy. I'll have a physical exam and a dildo cam to view the uterine cavity, ovaries and tubes. I don't quite get why, it's not like I'm going to use them again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)