Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Cry if I want to? Why not just cry, have a good cry and get it all out.

Surrogacy shit
Lack of sperm shit
Health shit
Cost of health shit (I'm looking at 5K in bills on the counter)
Sarah's dad being an ass shit
Not having a calm and nice family holiday after we talked about what we wanted and how we were going to do it shit
MIL shit
In law shit
Birthday shit
Anniversary shit
New Year's Eve party shit

My bday yesterday. The high point was my mom and S making bagels. All went downhill from there. Frank bought me a card. He gave it to me at dinner, the one I planned, bought the coupon for, drove to, arranged, etc. No present, no chocolate, no flower, nada. Yet another birthday that the holidays stole. Sarah started whining about 25% of the way into dinner after she'd drank an entire mango lassi and had a tummyache, so we packed our food up and went home. She was a complete drama queen.

Do we go to an annual party tonight, where the kids all stay up late and we sleep over? Sounds kind of nice, except it's at our surrogate's house and everyone who will be there are who she announced the news to at our last visit. So if we go, it's nonstop questions till we either give a real answer or piss people off enough to stop.

I decided to get up because being awake at 5 am sure beat dreaming still. My dreams were all screwed up.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,,

Today I turned 34. It will be eleven more years until the digits in my age are consecutive. I actually went a good part of the last year thinking I was already 34, so I find it kind of funny that my mom and I had to verify age last night. Mom came up to watch Sarah so I could work yesterday and hang out for my birthday. She and Sarah made me bagels and coffee for breakfast, super yummy.

We dropped off a potluck lunch item at Frank's work for their end of year party and then hit the mall. I have been to a mall approximately 4 times this whole year, so it was a somewhat overwhelming experience. I didn't see the massive sales everyone has been talking about, just the regular after holiday stuff. I did buy two new pairs of shoes to celebrate my new mid thirties persona. Josef Siebel's and Ecco's. I'm officially an old european man. But my tootsies are so comfy.

No news on the surrogacy front for now, waiting and waiting for appointments and approvals and all that crap. I'm tempted to just sign up with an adoption agency to start the process, but know it's premature.

Short note about the holidays:
MIL mentioned she'd like twelve grandkids. I said, "oh you're 25% there". Her answer, who's the third, I only have two. (Frank's sis has two kids, we have Sarah). Niiiiiiiiice one grandma.

One of the aforementioned two kids saying to me, "you no have babies", "I had Sarah, she was a baby a long time ago." "No, you no have babies any more cause you broken." :stunned silence that she had been told something about any of this: "No, no I won't kiddo."

I drank a large amount of rum in the past two weeks. nuff said.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Karma's a bitch. My guess is that the universe wants my partner to learn more and more what it's like to be me. The appointment for tomorrow was cancelled because the insurance won't pay for it. The coding was for male factor infertility from the SA, since our insurance covers NO infertility treatments they won't cover if the ICD 9 code isn't correct. So, I get to call insurance tomorrow and let them know about all the horrible things that could be the cause of the whacked out semenalysis and then do battle.
I'll probably have to have our GP refer under a different code. Generalized testicular anxiety is my preference.

Sarah's bday turned out great. We gave her an American Girl doll on her birthday. She was so surprised she cried. She said she didn't think we could afford something that big. She was so gracious. I am such a lucky mama. So far the doll has gone to sleep with her hair net on in her original box every night.

Her party was Saturday and we ended up with 23 people here. The chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels were the biggest hit, followed by the lemon cake and the candy sushi. I wish I had taken pictures of the sushi, it was really quite cute.

We did a mystery party for Detective Sarah and Frank stole the cake and put it in the dryer. We had a compass, magnifying glasses, a riddle and fingerprinting for each clue. The kids had a great time.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Not just a river in Egypt

So, we're clearly in denial over here. Not talking about it, not doing anything. F has an appointment on Tuesday to start figuring out what's going on. And there weren't exactly zero. There was one fragment. That means he must make some. Maybe. I've got my fingers crossed for a correctable blockage. And lots of narcotics for him.

Anyways, back to the denial I was talking about. Did you know if you go into the grocery store and buy:
Maxi pads
Swedish fish
Green fruit roll ups
three whack em chocolate oranges
cake flour
poppyseeds (originally typed as poopyseeds, har har)

The checkers don't even look at you weird.
I should have thrown some condoms in there for good measure. Oh, I slay me.

Sarah's birthday is tomorrow. She has requested lemon bars for at school and our neighbor's famous mac n cheese for dinner. Turns out our chef neighbor makes mac n cheese with velveeta. Here I was expecting a baked blue cheese gourmet treat and it's fakey fakey. I'm making candy sushi with the marshmallows, swedish fish and fruit rollups. And a lemon poppyseed cake for her party on Saturday. And, since I stopped the pill my period is here for the foreseeable future.

But hey, this marks 7 years since I went into heart failure, and I'm still here kicking and screaming.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The End

We got a call from the RE that there were no sperm in the sample. None.

Now our main focus is to make sure Frank is healthy and regroup.

It was so hard to tell him I know exactly how he feels. But I do unfortunately.

On our way

To the psychologist today. Doing our psych screening at 11:30. Now, how to seem normal and not crazy? That's gonna be tough.

But there's a bonus since we're going to San Rafael, we'll stop for cubano sandwiches for lunch at Sol Food. MMMMM. Maybe even stop at Muffin Mania and bring some home to Sarah.

I'm nervous, not because I think we won't pass, but because this person has the power to approve or disapprove of us and that is scary to me. I don't do well with allowing other people to make choices in my life and this feels very much like that. While I know she is only doing an evaluation and making recommendations, it still feels like she can really upset our rickety ship of dreams here.

When does this ever feel normal? Will I ever feel normal again, or is there always going to be some part that feels broken, weird, abnormal?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

And another one down

Frank did his testing and samples today. He said it was much more difficult than he thought it would be and weird. He also said the porn was all really old.

I am still on birth control pills till December 11, then off for five days, then on again December 16. Then on pills with the GC for a bit, then LUPRON.
I have another appointment on the 17th for med training and possibly some of the FDA donor stuff.

We go for our psych testing tomorrow. GC and hubby go on the 13th. Then the legal contracts can be finalized and we're good to go for meds.

They are ordering our meds before we sign final contracts because we're cutting time so close. If this first try doesn't work we'd like the chance to do another transfer quickly. Since our GC has a very set timeline she wants to work with, we're really moving fast.

But hey, We'll know in 6 weeks if we're preggo.

Monday, December 1, 2008


The surrogate was approved by our RE. Now we've just filled out the legal questionnaire and are waiting for the contracts. Then psych later this week. And we're good to go.

I've got goosebumps.