Accomplishments

Today I replaced a toilet seat, a faucet aerator and a sprinkler head. I registered for a class at my community college.

And I have our homestudy application ready to mail.

Baby steps.

Time

I spend a lot of time looking at houses we're not going to buy and researching vacations that we're not going to take.

I wonder what that says about me.

(I couldn't convince Frank to take a cruise on a weeks notice, darnit)

Workout Fail

I went in today to just have a nice stroll on the treadmill. I had an hour, so I thought, okay I'll knock out a few miles and feel energized for the rest of my day.

Not so. I got on and started getting warm. Then I increased my speed to raise my heart rate and started feeling dizzy. Checked HR it was 166. WTF? When I was working super hard last week the highest I could get was 120. I felt somewhat ill and dizzy so I slowed way down. My HR dropped quickly to 109, then refused to rise again even when I was upping speed. I hate medications, I can't trust my own body to respond in a logical way. I felt crappy, was dizzy so only did 30 minutes and then came home. Now I'm not energized, not happy and just ate a bagel. Epic workout fail today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Schweaty

The unusual humidity today kind of kicked my ass. I broke a sweat much easier than I usually do and felt kind of sluggish through my whole workout. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, adding a teeny incline and then a 20 minute circuit.

Resting heart rate was 85 (who knows, it usually is lower, but then again I don't always check it)
Mild exertion got it to 115
Moderate exertion got it to 128
And even when I started getting dizzy I couldn't get it over 130. I wonder if that was the medicine's effect. My perceived exertion level was about 75-80%, so I know I got some benefit, even if the rate didn't go too high.

This post brought to you by my own sense of self importance, no need to for anyone else to read.

Stamina

I started a circuit training/fitness class on Friday that lasts for 8 weeks. The first class tests your physical abilities and is designed to show you your progress at the end. I'm the youngest by two decades. Guess who was first up from the wall squats??? ding ding ding. At least I did the most pushups and had the best flexibility. Who knew my legs were so fickle?
I wonder if there is any correlation between the oxygenation of my cells and the meds I'm on. If my medication keeps my heart rate down, then the blood won't ever speed around picking up CO2 and depositing more oxygen. Hmmm, that sounds like an excuse to me.

I will just work around it. I already feel better, although I got a bug this weekend and am just getting ready to back to the gym for the first time since Friday.

S's teacher pulled me aside this morning and suggested I get her tested for some educational delays. :( I have had some niggling doubts for the last few months, but it's always hard to hear that something might be wrong with your kid. My vote is for visual processing issues. I don't think she actually processes what she sees correctly, because if you verbally say the letters she can read a word. It will be interesting to see what the testing shows.

I really want cookies and cake right now, my default eating pattern when I'm stressed. Instead I had chicken soup (made from the roasted chicken leftovers) and now apples dipped in plain yogurt with honey. MMMMMM. It's not cheesecake, but I'll live.

New Regime

Today is my second day at the gym.
Monday: 30 minutes treadmill and 30 minutes circuit training
Tuesday: 55 minutes treadmill and 35 minutes circuit training

So far only my shoulder are sore and tight, I had the weights a bit high yesterday. I want to work my way into this instead of go gung ho overboard and hurt myself. My plan is to slowly increase the speed on the treadmill. Right now I'm at 20 minute miles, which gets my heartrate to 105 and starts me sweating. I'm alternating a few laps at higher speed then back down. I'm concerned that I won't know if I'm overdoing it because my pulse doesn't go up too much anymore. I felt a bit dizzy when I got off the machine today, but it went away quickly. These medications scare me a little because I don't know how to trust my body anymore.

The circuit training was good, I fell right back into the swing of things. I'm weaker than I used to be, but still fairly respectable. I'm trying to use the highest weights that I can do 3 sets of 10 reps, then do one set of 5 reps at the next highest weight. That's where the shoulder soreness is coming in I think.

I start a circuit training class on Friday, it will track my progress over 8 weeks. I think by 4 weeks I will know if I'll join the gym on a contract, so I'll put off paying the registration fee till then and just use the guest pass I bought.

I'll start keeping track of my weight as well, just to see if this can kickstart some weight loss as well. I know I'll be more careful about food too, I'd hate to sabotage weightloss by eating crap and adding pounds.

Bloglist thingie

I'm working on my list of blogs I read. I figured I could compile them in one place instead of just trusting my mac to always know what I'm thinking of when I type a few letters. So bear with me as I work my way through my serpentine thought processes of what blog leads to what. And you might just find some interesting reads out there.

timing

I guess I was mistaken thinking that F wasn't ready. He asked if we could start filling out the homestudy paperwork. :) Now the real work begins.

Here's the last pic of the mural though. It's at Mary Farmar School in Benicia if anyone wants to come look. There's a League of Women Voters Garden tour starting at the school on Sunday, the 26th at 11:00 too.

annnd I'm back

Well that was a nice break. Spring has come and we've gotten out of our cold weather gloomy funk here. We've had a bit of a heat wave for the last few days so I'm ready for winter again.

Updates by topic:

My health= holding steady doing well. Yay for no news and no more suckiness. However I would recommend NOT doing a zoom tooth whitening. I had one done on Monday since I'm getting a crown next week and thought, hey, shouldn't I have my teeth as white as possible? But man it hurt and it hurt and my gums are burned. blech. And it was expensive to boot. So, in my experience, not worth it.

The kidlet= is doing well. Shhh, she might hear. We have taken a few trips and focused on spending good time with her and it is paying off. We're being more open and frank talking to her about her feelings when she visits her dad and it's helping. She's more able to calm down instead of be awful for days. And the skies open and the sun shines and angels sing when that happens. She's going to be in 2nd grade soon, finishing up this year with a bang. We painted a mural at her school this weekend. I need to finish up some details, but it's getting there. It has been a long time coming, I recieved the grant for it last June. @@ at myself.

F= had his 3 month follow up ultrasound in March and there has been no growth. Woohooo for that. So for now, we just keep on keeping on and go back in June for another U/S. He's feeling better and more positive now. Now, we just need to really discuss adoption and how it would work for us. But he keeps skirting the issue. So I think he's not ready yet. Which is a bummer for me, but understandable.
Before and after pics up above. The after is actually just after one day, not the whole painting. There is a lot more shading to do and more flowers and bugs to put in.

The Chronicles of Suck

I feel like all I do is chronicle the suck that has come into my life. I'm like a virtual Dyson, sucking the joy out of people's lives, one word at a time.

While F does not have cancer, there is still a mass where it shouldn't be. His hormone levels are consistent with primary testicular failure. The prognosis for producing any sperm is pretty much zero. Hormone replacement isn't really an option because it will basically shut down any hormone production that is already going on. Surgery is not an option. So, we're stuck. We're here in the fun, fun world of male factor infertility, female inability to carry pregnancy and what's left? No surrogacy. F has not made peace with it yet. He'll get there, I'm already researching so I can figure out next steps.

S had her first dental visit yesterday morning. There was no need for me to schedule it early so she could get back to school, she felt so crappy that she stayed home all day. We watched TV, went to my work, hung out, got stuff done etc. She now has a beautiful shiny silver molar and two fillings that are indistinguishable from her other teeth. She was NOT a happy camper.

I have a root canal in an hour. Joy. Then a therapist appointment later today for me and S. That is the most positive thing I can think of. Oh, and no other doctor appointments for the week. Wooo.

Bullet Points

• NOT CANCER
• Dad's surgery went well, he had three pockets of infection, but they were well contained
  
• S needs 7 fillings, not 9 and only one possible pulpotomy. We're doing it over 3 visits with laughing gas. whew
• NOT CANCER
• NOT CANCER
• FSH and LH levels were very high, which leads to the idea of WTF is going on?
• But, it's NOT CANCER
  

Too Much

Dad seems to have an infection. He's going back into surgery in an hour, they'll open up the incision and see if there's a pocket of infection or if there is more gangrene in the gut.

I'm picking S up in a few to take her to the pediatric dentist. Not looking forward to this.

Crossing fingers it's all going to be okay.

Holding pattern

We visited the urologist yesterday. Quite a nice guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to violate your husband. He was the kind of guy I'd invite over for a beer and hanging out.
He thinks it's not cancer.
He's not sure though.
We're waiting on bloodwork results and then we'll have more information.
We told F's parents last night. It turns out his mom might have taken DES during her pregnancy with him. Frak.
If it is cancer we've caught it at the earliest possible stage.
For some reason, that makes this more do-able.
It still sucks, but it's ok.
My SIL is being induced as I type. By the end of today I'll have a new niece.
My friend just took a pregnancy test and it was positive. An oops baby that will change her life. She's so sad and scared and upset and just kept telling me how sorry she was. I told her not to be, that I can be happy for her and sad for me at the same time. She's worried about the attention this will take away from her 12 month old. I just wish I could give her the certainty that this will be ok.

Things could go downhill very fast

The reports for the bloodwork and U/S F had two weeks (no THREE weeks) ago have finally gotten to us. There is a 90% chance that he has cancer. He has an appointment with a urologist on Monday to read the report and get more info. My guess is that they will either do a biopsy, rule out cancer because of some other info I don't know, or schedule surgery. We'll know more on Sunday, but when the damned report says that it's cancer unless ruled out by unknown criteria, I don't feel so hopeful.

I've started calling therapists for me, him and Sarah. I don't know how much more we can take.

Oh, and I have a root canal scheduled for tomorrow. A tooth that has no cavity or decay shows a loss of bone associated with infection and needs dealt with now.

Sarah's dental work is scheduled to start next Thursday. I will have to cancel going to help with Dad next week because of all of this. There just isn't enough of me to go around.

12 Days and counting

Dad is out of the ICU now and in a regular room. He is able to walk a small distance as long as he's supported and he seems to be recovering as fast as we could hope. He still has a long way to go, hopefully he'll be out of the hospital sometimes next week. The wound vac is still on and will be for a while. His neck IV will be removed before he leaves the hospital, since he already has the port in his chest. He's onto fentanyl patches instead of IV drip, off all morphine now. The incision is over 12 inches long down his abdomen. I see him losing weight daily. I can see his skin hang slack where there used to be muscle. The TPN needs to get him more iron or else he'll need to be getting transfusions. He had a transfusion two days ago for low hemoglobin. Hmm, anyone think the thalassemia could be adding to his issues?
The meds are giving him some confusion, I hope that eases as they are weaned down. He keeps asking if he has to have another surgery.

Update

Surgery was Friday night. They removed about 70% of his small bowel and 60% of his large bowel. The surgeon kept enough to allow him to eat still and not have a colostomy bag. He will not be getting nutrition from food however and will need TPN, total parenteral nutrition to survive.

He is still in the ICU and will hopefully be moving to a less critical room soon. As it is, he's working hard at recovering and we're just here to support him.

And now for a message from the emergency broadcast system

I got a call on Wednesday night that my dad was in the hospital. It's either a new set of tumors or old ones that have grown and are obstructing his bowel. Surgery was originally scheduled for Thursday at noon, but was pushed back till Friday. His hemoglobin was way too low to operate so they gave him a couple of units of blood in hopes that would help out. We'll be on our way down to see him either tonight or tomorrow. Send good thoughts.

aaaaaand, we're back

Regularly scheduled posting to resume in 3, 2, 1.....

The weekend was almost a loss, we didn't really finish anything, just started on tons of projects. We should have finished things, but we're good at that denial thing.

Frank's parents are here this weekend, send me valium and well wishes. I have tons to do before they're here, it looks like tiny pirates invaded our house and looted and pillaged. No raping though, that's not allowed in my post feminist fantasy.

I took Sarah for a blood test on Monday. Oh how I felt like the mean mom. She was so brave and strong until they stuck the needle in and starting rooting for a vein. I wish he'd got it on the first poke instead of having to search. :( She did really well though, the tears were dried up soon and we went to the park. Hopefully the bloodwork will show why she's still so very tired. I'm crossing my fingers for something easily corrected with a pill. sigh.

Frank's test results should be in soon as well. And of course I'm due for another echo. When will healthcare take a back seat to life here? Are we doomed to a life where healthcare reigns?

Frank is doing well with his denial, he's started researching MBA programs. The soonest he would start is next spring, but it's disheartening to see him do this right now. It's as if he's already given up on another child and is just going to move on to his next goal. I know in some ways that it's healthy, but dammit, we don't even have the first set of test results back.

That's the latest, now I'm off to paint and sand and clean. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow's already Friday?

Wow, how did that happen?

I would have to say I'll be glad when the week is done. Early morning wake ups are hard, for me, for Sarah. Ah well, soon it will be weekend.

Frank went for his bloodwork and has an ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully results by next week. Fingers crossed.

Monday, monday

Whew, am I glad the break is over. I don't think I could handle much more vacation time. Back to normal for all of us this week.

We did end up going to the New Year's Eve party. I'm glad we did. Our GS was of course very gracious and smart and must have given everyone a pre party talk about what should not be talked about. No one brought it up, no one acted weird, much fun was had and then the next morning off to the in laws for obligatory visit if we're in town.

Now we're home, laundry is done, food is shopped for, kitchen is clean, kid is at school, hubby at work. Ahhhhh that 20 minutes of bliss until I realize all the other things I have to do.

I'm closing my business until the CPSC gets it's act together and fixes the CPSIA. It's a bummer, but I don't see any other way I can legally be in business right now. All of our products are already produced, packaged and ready to go so I'm not really keen on sending off one of each print to get ruined in testing that we can't afford anyway. So, no more business for me, at least for 2009.

Hubby has an appointment with our GP this morning to get a scrip for another semen analysis and blood work. Hopefully the insurance will cover it. If not, we'll just keep making payments.

Now, off to help out in the classroom for a bit.